Saturday, October 31, 2009


Sunday, October 25, 2009

NLP Natural Communicators

Many people whom we consider “natural communicators” use pacing-leading unconsciously i.e. they are unconsciously competent pacers and leaders.

We too can acquire this skill by modelling and practicing their behaviour.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

NLP Leading

When there is rapport between two people, there is a greater acceptance of suggestions from each other.

When rapport exists, it is conducive to leading change in behaviours.

Leading is when after rapport is established we set the “pace” for the other person to follow in order to achieve our desired outcomes.

Change your behaviour slightly. Observe if the other person follows your lead (allowing a slight delay). If he follows you, you have evidence of sufficient rapport. If he doesn’t follow you, you go back to pacing to build more rapport.

When you are able to lead the person on minor changes, you can gradually progress to leading him on more weighty matters like his view of the world, attitudes and decisions.

Friday, October 23, 2009


People who are communicating well together tend to have matching breath.

To pace someone in breathing, match their breath in:

- Speed
o Fast, moderate, slow
- Depth
o Deep, moderate, shallow
- Rhythm

Thursday, October 22, 2009

NLP Pace Experiences

Observe the unmistakable rapport when people gather to trade war stories, fish tales, golfing stories.

People are always more comfortable with “my kind of people”.

Pay attention and you will pick up cues on what you can use to make a connection.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

NLP Pace Beliefs and Values

Shared beliefs and values is a powerful binding force. Finding and matching that shared belief or value let you touch that person’s “hot button”.

To pace beliefs and value, after they speak, respond with a brief synopsis and affirmation of what they just said.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

NLP Pace Thinking Style

People use all representational systems (thinking styles) but prefer one more than another to speak and process information.

Create rapport by noticing and pacing their preferred representational system:

- Visual style uses phrases like
o “Get the picture”
o “Put in perspective”
o “I see your point”

- Auditory style uses phrases like
o “Sounds good to me”
o “Ring a bell”
o “Its music to my ears”

- Kinaesthetic style uses phrases like
o “Smooth sailing”
o “Soft touch”
o “Hard hitting”

- Olfactory style uses phrases like
o “Smell a rat”
o “Something fishy”
o “A pungent remark”

- Gustatory style uses phrases like
o “Bad taste”
o “Bitter experience”
o “Sweet success”

We can get on the same wavelength, by noticing the other person’s preferred style and then use the same style to engage them.

When the same style is used, the other person feels understood.

Monday, October 19, 2009

NLP Pacing Language

People who speak the same language using similar choice of words like colloquialism, slang, jargon, favourite phrases (like “oh my god”) and dialects enjoy rapport.

People in rapport match each other in that both persons use either formal or informal language.

When one person uses formal language and another uses informal language, there is little rapport.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

NLP Pacing Voice

People who are communicating well tend to have matching voices.

To pace someone, the qualities to listen for in their voice are:

- Volume
o Loud, moderate, soft
- Tempo
o Fast, moderate, slow
- Pitch
o High, medium, low
- Rhythm
o Melodious, stuttering
- Tone
o Harsh, warm, cold

Saturday, October 17, 2009

NLP Pacing Gestures

People who are communicating well tend to have matching hand gestures.

To pace someone, follow their hand gestures:

- Positioning
o High
o Medium
o Low
- Stance
o Open
o Close
- Speed
o Fast
o Moderate
o Slow

Friday, October 16, 2009

NLP Pacing Posture

People who are communicating well tend to have matching body postures.

To pace someone, follow the positioning of their:

- Head
o Tilted down, up or to the side
o Nodding
- Arms
o Folded, stretched open or down by the sides
- Torso
o Leaned forward, upright, leaned back or to the side
- Leg
o Crossed, opened or stretched out

Thursday, October 15, 2009

NLP Pace Non Verbals

University of Pennsylvania anthropologist, DR Ray Birdwhistell, the founder of Kenesics which studies how people communicate through posture, gesture, stance, and movement, concluded from his research that the meaning of our communication is conveyed mostly by non-verbals.

The tone of our voice contributes 38%, body language 55% and our words provided a paltry 7% to the meaning of our communication.

Pay attention to non verbal cues, or we will miss much of what others are telling us.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

NLP Pacing

Two people enjoying rapport, such as loving couples, will unconsciously display matching behaviours.

Rapport can be created or improved upon by consciously matching the behaviour of the person we want to have greater rapport with.

Pacing is when we let the person whom we wish to have greater rapport with, set the “pace” of matching. We follow the other person’s behaviour in order to achieve or increase rapport.

We observe pacing in action when we see people working hard on improving rapport with their superiors. They wait on and affirm their superior’s every word, and take up the same pastimes such as golfing.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

NLP Matching

People who enjoy rapport with each other tend to behave like each other in various ways:

- Physiology
o Matching body posture and gestures
- Voice
o Matching voice characteristics like tone, speed, pitch, intonation, accent
- Language
o Matching choice of words used in speech like colloquialism, dialects
- Thinking style
o Similar preference for hearing, seeing, or feeling styles
- Beliefs and values
o Sharing similar concepts of what is considered true and what is important
- Experience
o Shared experiences like home town, school, emotive events like natural disasters, wars
- Breathing
o Similar in depth and speed of breath.

A loving couple enjoying rapport will unconsciously display matching behaviours in most or all these areas.

Monday, October 12, 2009

NLP Rapport

People tend to like others who are like them.

Like likes like.

Matching behaviours is a sign of good rapport, while mismatching behaviour indicates lack of rapport.

For example, two people enjoying rapport, such as a loving couple, will display matching behaviours which they are unconscious of.

When there is rapport between two people, there is a greater acceptance of suggestions from each other.

People with the ability to establish quick rapport with others have an unconscious competency in matching behaviours of others.

We can achieve the same results by modelling and practicing the strategies of people with natural rapport skills.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

NLP Presupposition: The Meaning Of Our Communication Is The Response That We Get.

People will respond to what they think we mean, which may or may NOT be an accurate interpretation of our intended meaning.

If we want people to respond appropriately to what we say, then we need to be constantly aware of other peoples' responses to what we're saying.

We need to adjust our communication accordingly, rather than just assume that they understood what we meant them to understand.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

NLP Presupposition: You Cannot Not Communicate

People often assume that they can avoid personal responsibility by simply saying nothing.

This is a mistake.

We cannot not communicate. We are constantly communicating, by what we do say, by what we don't say, and by a host of non-verbal signals.

So, being proactive in communicating is always better than staying passive.

Friday, October 9, 2009

NLP Presupposition: There Are No Resistant People, Only Inflexible Communicators.

Resistance is a comment on the communicator and usually a sign of insufficient rapport.

When faced with resistance, what is needed may be greater rapport rather than a stronger argument.

With better rapport, the other person will listen better, respond better and co-operate more.

Once the other person values the relationship, resistance melts.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

NLP Presupposition: Underlying Every Behaviour is a Positive Intention.

No matter how seemingly odd, or mean, or outright wrong, it may appear to us, to the person engaging in that behaviour, it makes sense.

They perceive it as a way of achieving the intention they want.

Finding out what that intention is, may assist us in helping the person find a better way to achieve their result.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

NLP Presupposition: Every Behaviour is Appropriate in Some Context

It's just that sometimes, people confuse contexts.

Sometimes it is out of step with time. What worked once upon a time may no longer be appropriate.

Other times it is out of place. What is acceptable in one place may be highly inappropriate in another.

Monday, October 5, 2009

NLP Presupposition: People Work Perfectly. No One is Wrong or Broken.

No one needs to be “fixed”.

It is just a matter of finding out how they function, so that their actions can effectively be changed to something more useful and desirable.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

NLP Presupposition: People Have All The Resources That They Need To Make The Changes They Want.

We have all the internal resources we need to succeed.

Sometimes we have "no" solution because something is preventing us from seeing the answer that we already have!

Sometimes we just need other people to bring it out of us.

Often it is only a matter of applying skills we already have in one area of our life, and applying them to another area we might not have thought of before.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

NLP Presupposition: People Are Doing The Best They Can With The Resources They Have Available.

Everything we need for change and success begins in our minds as thoughts and dreams. Our thoughts and dreams are our mental resources.

People are resourceful.

It’s just that we are sometimes in an unresourceful mind state and don’t access our mental resources.

In an unresourceful state, we think negative thoughts and have nightmares instead of dreams. People often blame outside circumstances, other people or bad luck when they feel down.

Eleanor Roosevelt said that: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Our mind state is uniquely under our own control. We can control and create our own mind state by choosing our thoughts, no matter what the outside circumstances are, or what other people do.

Be aware of our mind states and switch our mind state from unresourceful to resourceful.

Concentration camp survivor, Viktor Frankl calls the freedom to choose our thoughts under any circumstances, the “last of human freedoms”.

Victor Hugo said: “Nothing can stop an idea whose time has come.”

Friday, October 2, 2009

NLP Presupposition: There Is No Such Thing As Failure, Only Feedback.

If something doesn't work as planned, use that as feedback to generate another plan of action, and try again.

Such feedback is an essential part of the process of success.

Instead of feeling bad, we are free to form a new plan of action and try again.
Until you die, you can continually alter your behaviour till you get the results you want.

Thomas Edison found over 1,000 materials which are not suitable as filaments for a light bulb before he found one which worked well.