The Real Secret to Connecting with People

To connect with people, we pay attention to their needs and think how our value can help them meet their needs or solve their problems.

So it is always about them (our audience’s needs and problems), never about us.
Many people can gain from the value we create and the benefits we offer. So our success does not depend on any one particular member of the audience.

On the other hand, each member of the audience depends wholly on the value we create and the benefits we offer vis-à-vis their problem or need.

It’s like the story of the boy and the starfish.

One day, a boy and his friend were walking along a sandy beach. Many starfish washed up by the waves were strewn across the sandy beach, dying. The starfish desperately need to return to the sea quickly or they will die. The boy, seeing the dire situation of the starfish, bended over, picked up one starfish and threw it back into the sea. His friend asked: “Why did you do that? What difference would it make? There are so many starfish lying on the beach.” To this the boy replied as he picked up another starfish, flinging it back into the sea, “I made a world of difference to that one.”

So focus on seeing where people need help with their problems or needs, while we create value. Focus on how the values we create can benefit our audience and solve their problems, thus making a positive difference for each individual.

It’s About Them, Never About You

To be able to persuade, you need to have a connection between you and your audience.

Imagine a connection to be like a rope. You are holding one end and your audience holding the other end. The rope will be taut when the audience is pulling it towards them. The rope will be slack when the audience is not pulling or if they let go of the rope. It is futile to try to keep the rope taut by pushing it towards the audience.

The audience will pull the rope towards them when they know that we create value and can offer benefits to them i.e. we can solve their problem or meet their need.

So to make a connection, our part is to create value and focus on how our value can benefit our audience i.e. solve their problem or meet their need. The audience’s part is to want the benefits we can offer because it can solve their problem or meet their need i.e. the motivation to pull the rope to keep the connection taut.

It Pays to be Honest in Celebrating Your Uniqueness

When you want to be persuasive, consider if it pays to face up to your flaws squarely up front. This way you gain the trust of your audience, and turn your weakness to your advantage.

The advertising campaign of the Volkswagen Beetle when it was first launched in the US was based on this principle. The Beetle was cheap, reliable and fuel efficient, but good looks was certainly not one of its selling points.

Instead of pushing the merits of its looks, or trying to divert attention to its mechanical merits, the Beetle’s marketeers flaunt its unconventional looks.

The company promoted the Beetle’s unique look with wacky tag lines like:

          “It will stay uglier longer”

          “Ugly is only skin deep”

Once the customers can get pass its looks, the Beetle’s mechanical and economic virtues sold by themselves. Before long, the Beetle became a much sought after car because of its distinctive look, and remained so till today.

I can think of another example, again from the automotive industry.

The tiny Morris Mini was created at a time when good sized cars with spacious, roomy cabins were the norm.

Instead of competing with the “normal” cars on size, the Mini touted its minuscule size as a virtue.

Like the Beetle, the Mini turned its biggest shortcoming into its selling point, was a sensational success, and remained a trendsetter till this day.

The Beetle and Mini became cultural icons because they dared to celebrate their uniqueness instead of cowering in self doubt.

Ask for a Favour from a Stranger!

How can you turn around someone who doesn’t like you now? Or, how can you break the ice with someone who is a stranger?

You may want to try the great US inventor, diplomat and statesman Benjamin Franklin’s way.

There was an opposition member in the Pennsylvanian legislature whom Benjamin Franklin needed help from but the gentleman was cool, if not hostile, towards him.

Human instinct would tell us not to approach the person for fear of rejection. But not Ben Franklin who knew the ways of humans well. What did Ben Franklin do?

Ben Franklin found out that the gentleman who was an ardent fan and expert on a certain authour, had a rare and precious book by that authour.

What Ben Franklin did was counter-intuitive.

Ben Franklin approached the gentleman and asked to borrow his precious book by the authour. The gentleman though surprised by Ben Franklin’s request and was hesitant at first, eventually relented because gentlemanly politeness required him to accede to Ben Franklin’s request.

Slowly but surely a friendship developed between the gentleman and Ben Franklin, all because Ben Franklin had the audacity to ask his rival for a big favour.

How does this work?

It is based on the principle that the mind and body are one.

When the gentleman was initially forced to be nice to Ben Franklin, his mind had to follow; otherwise it will be very uncomfortable for him. By lending his precious book to Ben Franklin, the gentleman unconsciously had to convince himself that Ben Franklin was a good man worthy of such a big favour from him. In this way, the gentleman achieved congruence in mind and body.

Once the ice was broken, Ben Franklin had the opening to build a long and fruitful relationship with his rival.

Had the gentleman rejected Ben Franklin’s request, the approach would not have worked. So, this approach is a risky one but the payoffs can be big, if it succeeds.

So ask a favour from someone who doesn’t like you or who is a stranger, and he may become your best friend.

Watch Your Language - Cut the Word "Don't" from Your Vocabulary

Be careful with the word “Don’t”. It can unintentionally create the opposite effect on your audience from what you wanted to convey.

Have you ever wondered why when people are asked NOT to do something, they often end up doing exactly that?. Often it is because of the word “Don’t”.

You see, the word “Don’t” cannot be pictured in the mind. This causes the mind to try and make sense of the sentence by focusing on the words that follow the word “Don’t”. The mind focuses on things that it can picture. The result? More often than not, the word “Don’t” is ignored and your audience gets the exact opposite of your intended message.

“Don’t feel you have to make a decision now” is understood as “You have to make a decision now”.

“Don’t worry” is understood as “Worry”.

“Don’t get angry with me” is understood as “Get angry with me”.

“Don’t be sad” is understood as “Be sad”.

“Don’t be shy” becomes “Be shy”.

When children are told “Don’t run along the corridor”. They understand as it as “Run along the corridor” to the chagrin of their parents or teachers.

So what is the solution? Use positive language patterns that state clearly what you are asking for.

Instead of “Don’t worry” say “Be calm”.

Instead of “Don’t run” say “Walk”.

Instead of "Don't be sad" say "Be happy".

Of course, there are those who are well aware of this “weakness” in the workings of the human mind and deliberately use it to gain an advantage.

“Don’t take me to dinner, if you don’t want to” is a sly way of demanding the listener to “Take me to dinner, you want to".

“Don’t miss me by too much” is a manipulative instruction to the listener to “Miss me by much”.

Keys to Effective Presentation

The acronym CCTV COP is a useful way to remember Kevin Hogan’s seven keys of effective presentation.

C – Client Centered. Keep the presentation focused on what’s in it for the audience. What will he gain? How will he benefit?

C – Concise. Be ready to deliver your complete presentation in a 30-second elevator ride, or in 5 minutes.

T – Tie downs. Use tie downs to get commitment from your audience. One form of tie downs is to end the sentence with phrases like “don’t you?”, “isn’t it?”, “won’t you?”, “can’t you?”, “aren’t they?” A tie down is a question that requires a “yes” or “no” answer. Line up a series of tie down questions to get “yes” answers leading towards your objective. Use tie downs sparingly as otherwise your audience may feel manipulated.

V – Visualise. Help your audience visualise what his life would be like when he agrees to your proposal. Also help him visualise what it would be like to be without your proposal. Present the costs and benefits of your proposal as a vivid movie for your audience.


C – Congruent. Make your words match your tone of voice and your body language. When words and your non-verbal cues don’t match, you lose the trust of your audience.

O – Objective. Know your objective, and make it known to your audience. Catch your audience’s attention by letting them know how the objective will benefit them.

P – Presupposition. In your presentation, use phrases that presupposes what you want. For example, if you ask your client “Before we finalize the contract, would you like something to drink?” you presupposed that your client is ready to sign the contract. Again, use presuppositions sparingly as otherwise the client may feel manipulated.

Mehrabian’s 7% - 38% - 55% Rule

We often heard it been said that, “its not what we say, but how we say it that makes all the difference”. We all intuitively know this from our experience. Indeed, this phenomenon is well established by research.

Studies by professor Albert Mehrabian of UCLA had found that only 7% of the meaning, attitude, and intent of our message is conveyed by our words. The remaining 93% of the meaning, attitude, and intent of our message is conveyed by our tone of voice, and by our body language (like facial expressions, hand gestures, posture, and even the way we breathe).

According to Mehrabian’s research, 7% of what we mean to convey is carried by our words. 38% is carried by the tone of our voice, and 55% is carried by our body language.

Put another way, our non-verbal communication is 10 times more important than words in personal communications.

So to persuade with impact, it is vital to pay attention to our tone of voice, and our body language. Otherwise, we would be missing out on 93% of our message.

Pay more attention to your non-verbal communication, and you won’t need to say “that’s not what I mean” another time.

Laws of Persuasion

The acronym SCRAPE CFC can help us remember Kevin Hogan’s nine Laws of Persuasion. (CFC or chlorofluorocarbon widely used in refrigerators and aerosols, is now phased out because it deletes the ozone.) Remembering to use these Laws in our communications makes us more persuasive.

S – Law of Scarcity. People find things that are limited in supply more desirable.

C – Law of Contrast. People tend to accept the little extras throw in after the main deal as the add-ons look digestible compared to the main course.

R – Law of Reciprocity. People tend to agree to a request, if they have received a benefit from you before.

A – Law of Association. People tend to think better of people or things associated with people or things they like, respect, or trust.

P – Law of Power. People tend to agree with people with perceived power or authority.

E – Law of Expectancy. People tend to do what the person they like, respect, or trust expects them to do.


C – Law of Consistency. Once people committed themselves verbally or in writing, they tend to stick to it.

F – Law of Friendship. People usually oblige the requests of their friends.

C – Law of Conformity. People are more inclined to things which they see many other people have or do.

Know Who You Are Trying to Persuade

To be able to persuade a person, we need to know what would move the person. The acronym BP FIRE can help us remember the aspects that we need to actively peel our ears to – those elements that may provide us the necessary clues to the client’s hot buttons.

B – Behavior. What is the client doing or not doing?

P – Perspectives. What are the client’s beliefs, attitude and outlook?

F – Feelings. What emotion is the client feeling?

I – Intention. What is the client intending to do?

R – Resources. What internal and external resources do the client have or lack?

E – Experience. What is the client experiencing? What is happening to the client?

To Be Persuasive, We Must First Know What We Want

When it comes to persuasion, there are two kinds of people.

The first kind reacts to what happens to them. In the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality types, they are known as the Perceivers. Perceivers are sometimes described as thermometers. As you know, thermometers merely react to the temperature around them. The mercury goes up when the heat is up, down when it cools down outside. They have no influence on their environment. Perceivers or thermometers go with the flow, and can appear reactive and disorganised.

The second kind, make things happen instead of let things happen to them. In the MBTI personality types, they are the Judgers. They decide what they want happen, and then take action to make it happen the way they want it. Judgers are sometimes described as thermostats. Thermostats set and change the temperature around them. Thermostats or judgers prefer structure and order in their lives, and can appear proactive and methodical.

Since to persuade is to get people to follow our way of thinking, one has to be a judger or a thermostat to start with. It is a pre-requisite.

Being a thermometer or perceiver will not help one to be persuasive at all. How can we get people to follow us, if we have not even decided where we want to go?

To be persuasive we have to make a choice regarding what we want, and decide to take action.

As Stephen Covey said, between what happened to us and how we respond is a space where we can choose our response. We can either let the situation dictate our reaction, like thermometers, or we can make a conscious choice as to what we want and what we want to do to get it, like thermostats.

The attitude of a persuasive person is the attitude of the thermostat.

The first step to be persuasive is to know what we want the other person to agree on.

Empathic Listening or the Art of Giving Psychological Hugs

When we listen empathetically, we are giving the speaker a psychological hug.  To listen empathetically, we:

1. Give the speaker undivided attention. Be present. Multitasking is a big conversation killer and causes us to miss important parts of what was said.

2. Allow the speaker to speak free of interruptions.

3. Are non-judgmental. We do not criticize, teach or tell the speaker what to do.

4. Don’t minimize or trivialize the speaker’s issues. Avoid phrases like “Its not that bad” “Its ok” “It’ll be fine” “Its no big deal”

5. Don’t change subjects. It shows that either you are not interested or you are not paying attention.

6. Don’t ask probing questions as if to interrogate the speaker. You seek to understand, not to satisfy your curiosity.

7. Appreciate the emotions behind the words. Is the speaker angry, scared, hurt, confused, discouraged, frustrated or resentful?

8. Resist the urge to reply or comment merely to keep the words flowing. Give the speaker some quiet after he has vented. Allow time for insights to surface. Give the speaker time to access his unconscious mind.

9. Assure our understanding and care. Ask clarifying questions, and restate what we perceive the speaker to be saying, like a mirror.

10. Establish and maintain rapport with the speaker. Neuro-linguistic programming has a set of rapport tools that are useful for emphatic listening.

Being understood, validated, and appreciated are basic human needs. Empathic listening meets these needs especially when the speaker is in distress.

Emphatic listening heals because it is like giving the speaker a psychological hug.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Empathic Listening - Hearing with the Heart

Stephen Covey identified 5 levels of listening.

Level 1 - Ignoring – basically, not listening at all.

Level 2 - Pretending – same as not listening but dressed up with head nods, and lip service like “uh-huhs”, “oh yeahs”, “I see”, and such.

Level 3 - Selective Listening - hearing only parts of was said.

Level 4 - Attentive Listening - paying attention only to the words being said.

Level 5 - Empathic Listening – The highest form of listening and the most healing. Empathetic listening uses all our senses, of hearing, seeing, feeling, and noticing non-verbal cues to understand the speaker’s feelings, in addition to his ideas. (Emphatic listening is also called active listening or reflective listening.) Emphatic listening is like hearing with the heart.

In level 1 to 4, the listener is self centred. They are busy forming and rehearsing their reply while the other person is speaking. The listener remains in her map of the world. There is little empathy with the speaker.

In level 5, the listener is other centred i.e. focused on the other person. In empathic listening, the listener intends to understand the other person, his feelings, emotions, and the essence of the other person’s issues. The listener aims to get inside the other person's frame of reference, understanding their map of the world.

Being understood, validated, and appreciated are basic human needs. Empathic listening meets these needs, especially when the speaker is in distress.

Emphatic listening is a powerful trust and relationship building skill (that few have mastered) because a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Presence, Charisma, and Charm

There are 3 levels of presence.

At level 1 presence, we give out very little energy. Energy flows from others to us. We sap energy from others. We are withdrawn like a tortoise retreated into its shell. When we are at level 1 presence, people find interacting with us draining, and may avoid us or simply leave us alone. Examples of level 1 presence behaviours are:

• Withdrawing from people, feelings, ideas, challenges
• People leave you alone, and you are comfortable with that
• People do not notice you
• You are not attentive to your surroundings
• You are not alert to what is happening around you
• You use cloths to hide from attention – you use cloths like the way a tortoise use its shell
• Your audience find interacting with you draining
• You don’t speak, or rather not speak
• Sometimes you wish you could just disappear.

At level 3 presence, we give out a lot of energy but block energy from others. We broadcast about ourselves to unspecified audiences, but do not listen. We try to perform and impress rather than communicate. At level 3 presence, we are hungry for attention – peacocking behaviour. At level 3, we try to influence the audience through pressure or force. Examples of level 3 presence behaviours are:

• You wear cloths that scream loudly for attention - you use cloths like the way a peacock uses its feathers
• You don't pay attention to your audience - it's all about you
• You dominate discussions even when you have little knowledge of the topic
• You dominate discussions even when you heard only a fragment of the discussion
• Always feel internal pressure to inject life into any party or meeting
• You are afraid that people may leave you alone, hence the urge to “perform”
• Your audience eventually find interacting with you tiresome
• You don’t listen when others speak, you are only waiting for your turn to speak

There is little connection between you and your audience. People may initially be impressed by your performance but they will tire after a while from the lack of connection. The audience tend to eventually withdraw from people with level 3 presence, hence you tend to go searching for new audiences or pontificate to a captive audience.

At level 2 presence, we are connected with the other – we give and receive energy. We energized others and are energized by them at the same time. The energy flow is 2 way. At level 2 presence, the connection is transformational. Your energy influences your audience and your audience’s energy influences you. Your audience find interacting with you uplifting. Examples of level 2 presence behaviours are:

• You are aware of how your verbal and non-verbal communication is affecting your audience
• You notice details in your audience – what their eyes, faces, gestures, breathing are saying
• You are able to sense your audience’s moods, concerns, hot buttons
• You listen actively and is non-judgmental

We are all born with level 2 presence, that’s why babies and toddlers are always so charming and attractive. We later developed preferences for one of the 3 levels of presence. Some of us become habitually at level 1 or level 3 presence, and lose our baby charm and attractiveness.

What’s the point of knowing all these? Because life’s much more meaningful and rewarding for those who “get it” i.e. operate at level 2 presence.

When we are aware of what level of presence we are at, we will know why we are connecting with our audience, or not. If we are at level 1 or 3, we need to shift to level 2.

We can use the set of rapport tools in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) to help us connect with our audience at level 2.

We are all born with level 2 presence, and so charisma and charm are our birth right.

The first step to recover our level 2 presence is simply by being conscious of what level of presence we are at. From level 1 or 3, we can use NLP rapport tools to move to level 2 presence.

Life’s like that.

Nice People May Not Be Good. Good People May Not Be Nice.

What You Focus On Expands

Here is a thought exercise to illustrate the law that: "What you focus on expands."

Think of two people – one you like and one that you don’t.

Then for the person you like – find several aspects that you don’t like.

Then for the person you don’t like – find several aspects that you do like.

As you continue to do this, it won’t be long before you will change how you feel about each person.

You will start to dislike the person you liked.

And you will start to like the person you disliked.

Your Are The Average Of The Five People You Spend The Most Time With

Small Compliments Can Have Big Impact

Spice Up Your Conversations With Sincere Compliments

Spread Compliments - Be a Compliments Monger

Compliment Others by Telling Someone Else